Los Gatos Mental Health Clinic

Introduction

Marriage counseling stalls when you practice the problem

Think of your marriage as a business partnership. While it is built on love and shared history, at its most basic level, a marriage is a partnership, arguably the most important organization you will ever lead. In any other high-stakes business partnership, if the company was failing to meet its goals, the leaders would not spend years just talking about the failure. They would stop, reassess the operations, and implement a new strategy immediately.

When business partners choose to keep talking about what is not working instead of changing, their business will fail. To thrive, they have to move past the blaming and start implementing new operations immediately. They identify the problem, negotiate a new strategy, and hold each other accountable to the results. Marriage is the same.

Yet many married couples in therapy find themselves stuck in blaming each other for the past, in front of their therapist. In this dynamic, the therapist is essentially just managing the tension and refereeing the fights rather than leading a breakthrough. The couple is effectively paying for a spectator to watch them lose, rather than a coach to help them win.

This is why, unlike individual counseling, marriage counseling must be directive. In individual work, the therapist can afford to be a passenger on the client's journey of self-discovery. But in marriage counseling, the clinician must be the voice of the marriage that the couple articulated they wanted. If the therapist is not directive, they are simply allowing the couple to continue the same low-value behaviors that brought them to the office in the first place. When a therapist defaults to managing the tension, they are essentially perpetuating the conflict.

The efficiency gap

Research into evidence-based models like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) shows that the standard course of treatment is 12 to 20 sessions. Data from the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy indicates that the average couple in the real world attends roughly 11.5 sessions. Despite this time investment, nearly 25% to 30% of couples who complete traditional behavioral therapy relapse into old conflict patterns within two years. This happens because the focus often stays on processing the history rather than structurally re-engineering the daily interaction. Clinical studies on brief therapy suggest that roughly 65% of all meaningful improvement occurs within the first 7 sessions. After that, many couples hit a plateau where they are merely attending therapy rather than doing the work. If you are living in the past, you are not building a future. You are just practicing the problem.

The 6-session directive

My approach is grounded in the established methods of Gottman, Sue Johnson, and Minuchin, but it is different in that it is very directive. The goal is to get the relationship back on track in six sessions by focusing on the window where maximum change occurs. We know what is not working. Now we need to implement the changes.

Baseline commitment

We do not use these sessions to decide if you want to stay married. We start with the agreement that you are both committed to making this work. Counseling is not a tool to figure out whether or not you want to stay together; it is the tool you use once you have already made that choice. For this reason, I do not work with couples who are unsure about staying married.

One session for context

We talk about the past once so I can understand the situation. After that, we do not continually rehash how you hurt each other or how you were not there for each other in the past. Unless there is new information, we stay focused on the present and the future.

Negotiating the what

We move past what is wrong and identify exactly what you need from each other. We commit to negotiating what the relationship will look like moving forward.

The voice of the marriage

My job is to hold you both accountable to the goal you said you wanted. I act as the voice of the marriage you described, ensuring the partnership returns to a state of peace.

Weekly check-ins

We meet weekly to ensure you are practicing the new behaviors and reactions we discussed. Good habits do not happen by chance; they must be deliberate.

Self-sustaining

By the 6th session, we check in to ensure you and your partner are holding yourselves accountable to the behavioral changes you have agreed to for the joint goal of staying committed to the marriage. It does not matter what the issue is (infidelity, communication, or co-parenting). We are not going to live in the problem. We are going to implement the changes needed to move forward.

Schedule